Thursday, October 06, 2005


I'll be 29 in one week. So I am spending some time taking stock of my life. I have much more quiet time to think than I used to, I am supposed to use this time to study, but my mind occasionally wanders.

I've always thought that I was a nice person. Smart, articulate, fun, caring and nice. More and more lately I don't think this is true. Little things make me snap at my family. For example, Angel Babe was running around talking to himself generally acting like the 4 yr old he is, and it was so annoying. I just kept asking him to stop or to go in the other room. Darling fiancé reminds me to lock the door when I come home and I think it is an attack on me and respond by getting defensive and starting an unnecessary fight.

Why do I do this? I'm beginning to realize that I keep my true feeling very well hidden. I rarely tell anyone what is really going on inside my head. If you read the posts on the blog you'll see they are all pretty positive. Sure I talk about the ordinary stresses of life, but for the most part I haven't shared any real feelings. I am always putting the positive or humorous spin on my life. I ignore the bad things that happen and hope that they will go away. I just want to put on my happy face and move on. I used to think this was healthy. I used to think that if you dwelled on the bad it only made it worse or if I talked about my true ugly feelings people wouldn't like me. But keeping everything inside just makes me lash out for no reason. Darling fiancé is helping me work on this. But it is scary, I am afraid to let anyone into my head. I don't want to talk about ugly things, but if I don't things will get worse. I will keep being mean to my family and they will pull further away from me.

I have been the "good kid" for a long time and even when I made huge mistakes, I picked myself up and forged ahead with a smile--but the whole time I was hysterical on the inside, and broke down whenever I was alone. I told myself it was no use to get all upset, there was nothing that could be done to change things and the person I was most angry with was myself. What do you do when you are furious with yourself? I buried all of the anger and figured anything else bad the happened to me was punishment and I needed to shut up and take it. This worked for a while, but now it all seems to be fraying at the edges. My fiancé says this is what happens as you get older and closer to 30; you really grow-up and examine the person you are and the person you want to be.

I am terrified.