Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Thoughts that are swimming around...

I know that I haven't posted in quite a while and doubt that anyone is still checking for updates, but I've been busy.

I'm in the law school library, where I spend a large portion of my time these days, I found a quite corner tucked away on an upper floor and I am sitting under a skylight, listening to the rain. It is serene, despite the stacks and stacks of books and institutional furniture. School is in full swing and my days are pretty much filled with reading, writing memos and trying to outline.

"Outline" I never knew that word could be so annoying:
"Have you stated to outline yet?"
"Do you have any old outlines?"
"I have her outline and she got an 'A.'"
"We have to get good outlines."
"Where can I buy outlines?"

Outlines are the backbone of law school exam prep. An outline is basically a bulleted summary of everything covered in class during the semester, organized by topic and put into outline form. These things run 50 or more pages for one class. Everyone scurries around trying to get outlines from last year or figure out how to make their own. This is just beginning, I can only imagine what it will be like at the end of November.

I've been having mini-panic attacks lately, nothing to worry about; but every once in a while the details of life become overwhelming. Like last Friday, the professor was telling us that we will be having a review session, so we will start class at 8am on the last day.

I can't make it to school by 8am. Darling fiance leaves at 7:00, my mom leaves at 7:45, and Angel babe doesn't get on the bus until 8:40! This is a problem. Rationally I know that I can figure something out for that day, DF can be late to work, my mom can be late that day or I could get another mom on the block to watch him for an hour and then put him on the bus. But my rational brain wasn't around at the time.

I was short of breath, my vision blurred around the edges, the blood drained out of my face and the other people in the room slowly drifted away. I was thinking about all the work I had to do that afternoon, the scheduled study group session, the memo due on Monday, what was I going to make for dinner that night, when was I going to finish sewing Angel babe's Halloween costume, was I missing out by not going to the Halloween party on Saturday, should I do laundry on Saturday or Sunday, is Zorro really an appropriate movie for Angel babe...

I spent the rest of class in a daze. I was there, I took notes, but I wasn't engaged and certainly didn't raise my hand or participate.

I finally calmed down about 45 minutes after class, after I talked to DF--but then he was all freaked out because I was tweaking.

Of course, the memo got done, so did the laundry, dinner and the costume. Things usually get done, but sometimes I just want to be the kind of person who says "Fuck it" and drops all of the balls they're juggling. When I was freaking out, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, watch mindless TV and let my brain turn to mush.

I'm doing better this week. We had a great time last night trick or treating in the neighborhood with tons of other kids. It reminded me why we decided to uproot and change everything in our lives--to be a happier family.


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